One day each week, I volunteer at a local, offering eight sessions of free counselling to people navigating grief or living with life-limiting illness.
It is quiet work.
It is steady work.
It is deeply human work.
In hospice spaces, grief rarely follows a script. It doesn’t move neatly through stages. It doesn’t look the same from one person to the next. Sometimes it is tears. Sometimes anger. Sometimes practical conversations about hospital appointments or funeral plans. Sometimes it is silence, the kind that carries more weight than words ever could.
What I have learned, again and again, is this:
People are not looking to be fixed.
They are looking to be understood.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the mind and body’s natural response to losing someone or something important. It is not an illness. It is not weakness. It is not a failure to cope.
It is a sign of love and attachment.
Because we are human, grief doesn’t just live in our thoughts. It lives in our bodies. It can affect sleep, appetite, concentration, and energy. It can feel like tightness in the chest, heaviness in the limbs, or a mental fog that makes even small decisions exhausting.
Many people are familiar with Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But in real life, grief is not linear. It is more like waves than steps. You can move back and forth. You can feel multiple emotions at once. You may skip some entirely.
Common, normal human responses include:
- Shock or numbness — “This doesn’t feel real.”
- Anger — at the loss, at the unfairness, sometimes even at the person who died.
- Guilt or “what if” thoughts.
- Deep sadness and emptiness.
- Relief — especially if someone was suffering (often followed by guilt for feeling relief).
- Gradual adjustment and acceptance over time.
All of this is part of being human.
How the Nervous System Responds to Loss
When we lose someone, our nervous system, the part of us responsible for safety and survival, reacts strongly. Loss can feel like a threat to our world, our identity, and our stability. The body moves into survival mode.
You might notice:
Fight or Flight
Anxiety, restlessness, irritability, racing thoughts, difficulty sleeping.
Freeze or Shutdown
Numbness, exhaustion, brain fog, feeling disconnected or emotionally flat.
Many people oscillate between these states. Some days feel intense and emotional. Other days feel heavy and empty.
This fluctuation is not a sign that you are grieving “wrong.” It is your nervous system trying to adapt to profound change.
Over time, with support and safety, the body slowly learns that it can survive the loss. The waves do not disappear entirely, but they become more manageable.
Why Grief Feels So Physical
Grief is often described as emotional pain, but it is deeply physical too.
You may experience:
- Difficulty sleeping
- Tight chest or shortness of breath
- Stomach upset or loss of appetite
- Muscle tension or aches
- Difficulty concentrating
- Feeling jumpy, unsettled, or exhausted
These symptoms can be frightening, especially if you are not expecting them. But they are common grief responses.
Your body is adjusting to a world that has changed.
It is not weakness. It is biology.
What Neuroscience Tells Us About Grief
Research into the neuroscience of grief shows that loss activates multiple areas of the brain involved in attachment, memory, and emotional regulation.
When someone looks at a photograph of a loved one who has died, regions connected to memory and emotional processing become highly active. In more prolonged or intense grief, studies suggest that areas linked to reward and longing may remain activated, almost as if the brain is still expecting the person to return.
This helps explain why yearning can feel physical.
Why it can feel like craving.
Why grief can feel like something is pulling inside your chest.
Healing, therefore, is not about “snapping out of it.” It is a gradual rewiring process. The nervous system slowly learns to live with absence.
Grief lights up the brain because attachment lives in the brain.
Gentle Ways to Calm the Nervous System During Grief
You cannot stop the waves of grief.
But you can offer your body small anchors of calm.
Slow Breathing
Inhale through your nose for 4.
Exhale through your mouth for 6.
Longer exhales activate the body’s calming system.
Gentle Movement
A short walk.
Stretching your shoulders and neck.
Shaking out your hands and arms.
Movement helps release stress stored in the body.
Sensory Grounding
Notice:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can feel
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
This gently brings the brain back to the present moment.
Comfort and Connection
Wrap yourself in a blanket.
Place a hand over your heart.
Sit beside someone you trust or a pet.
The nervous system responds to warmth and safe connection.
Creating Small Rhythms
Grief can feel chaotic. Simple routines help restore a sense of stability.
Eat at regular times.
Light a candle each evening.
Write a few words in a journal daily.
These are not solutions.
They are supports.
What Hospice Work Continues to Teach Me
Working in hospice reminds me that grief is not something to rush.
People often ask:
“Am I grieving normally?”
“Why am I still crying?”
“Why don’t I feel anything?”
There is no correct timeline.
Grief changes us. It reshapes identity. It alters routines. It redefines relationships. But it also reflects the depth of love that existed.
The goal is not to “get over” someone.
It is to learn how to carry them differently.
And no one should have to do that alone.
A Gentle Invitation
If you are navigating grief, whether recent or long-held, you deserve a space where your feelings are not minimised, analysed, or hurried.
Counselling can offer steady support while your nervous system adjusts and your identity reshapes around loss.
Grief is human.
It is embodied.
It is complex.
And with compassionate support, it can be integrated rather than endured alone.
